How I learned to love myself…a path to self discovery
This is a story that is dark and light with fear and loss. I struggled to realize my value, until one day it hit me and I had an awakening.
My mother’s suicide was the beginning. I had been under her clouded shadow my entire life. Her depression and being bi-polar always had me on edge, choosing to react and to feel without disruption. After she died, I realized that I was allowed to make choices for myself. I could think and react freely without the backlash I had lived with for so many years. My mind and emotions were beginning to open after a long and restless sleep. The idea of making my own choices was frightening. I needed guidance but from someone who wouldn’t attempt to medicate me. I chose to work through the chaos.
I began therapy with a Holistic therapist. We worked together through my grief and she showed me how to allow, respect and accept the way I feel. I learned to breathe. I was free. I was no longer concerned with arguments and fights, and I grew. I became an emotionally stable woman for the first time in my life. I blossomed into a fierce independence that took me by storm and a beautiful woman began to emerge. My gifts as an empath and intuitive became stronger in the forefront of my soul. I was thinking and feeling like I never had, which lead me to the next tribulation.
I felt the shift…a pull to investigate. It was as if a voice was guiding me to see what I refused to see before. My husband of 16 years was having an affair and I wasn’t as upset as I should have been. You would think after that long I would be devastated, but the opposite was true and I knew. Don’t get me wrong, I was hurt and there was a lesson to be learned, but I knew without a doubt it was time for me to be free. To be on my own, shed my chrysalis and emerge as the woman I knew was waiting to spread her wings and fly. I chose to walk away from our marriage. I chose to find me.
I moved to another city, not knowing a soul. I took a complete leap of faith and began a new life for myself and my children. I began to eat healthier and invest in myself. I met a young woman who encouraged me to go to the gym with her. I was terrified. I hated cardio. I hated weights. The fear of exercise was simply and illusion and I realized I had to honor the promise I made to myself. I committed and found I actually love cardio. I embraced yoga and the practice which allows me to look inside my soul and discover the answers to my questions deep within. Meditation became a daily ritual giving me insight and nurturing I had lived without. I committed to investing in my body by opening a doorway allowing myself to love my body, for the very first time in my life. I lost 35 pounds, accepted how it changed, adjusted to keep my sense of self and embraced the curves we as women should have. I refused to fit in a box with every other woman, only wanting to be me. What I gained is a confident, sexy and spiritually evolved woman I should have been years ago.
Then I began dating. I felt sexy with my short curvy body for the first time in my life. I was receiving attention from men like I never had before. I was so confused by this since I felt like men never looked at me when I was married. And then it hit me….I was exuding confidence like I never had. I wasn’t hiding behind a mask of makeup and uncomfortable clothing. I was embracing who I have become and allowing men to see me. Sex finally became fun, exhilarating and fulfilling. The fear of asking for what I wanted sexually vanished. I had finally discovered myself and accepted who I was with an unconditional love so pure that it radiated off of me in waves. I became naturally attractive and acknowledged who I am.
The power of self love is within us all, to stop and reflect deep inside ourselves and commit to the journey of discovery. Only you can determine when to leap.
Guest Writer ~ Sarah Stetson
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