This is a story that is dark and light with fear and loss. I struggled to realize my value, until one day it hit me and I had an awakening.
My mother’s suicide was the beginning. I had been under her clouded shadow my entire life. Her depression and being bi-polar always had me on edge, choosing to react and to feel without disruption. After she died, I realized that I was allowed to make choices for myself. I could think and react freely without the backlash I had lived with for so many years. My mind and emotions were beginning to open after a long and restless sleep. The idea of making my own choices was frightening. I needed guidance but from someone who wouldn’t attempt to medicate me. I chose to work through the chaos.
I began therapy with a Holistic therapist. We worked together through my grief and she showed me how to allow, respect and accept the way I feel. I learned to breathe. I was free. I was no longer concerned with arguments and fights, and I grew. I became an emotionally stable woman for the first time in my life. I blossomed into a fierce independence that took me by storm and a beautiful woman began to emerge. My gifts as an empath and intuitive became stronger in the forefront of my soul. I was thinking and feeling like I never had, which lead me to the next tribulation.
I felt the shift…a pull to investigate. It was as if a voice was guiding me to see what I refused to see before. My husband of 16 years was having an affair and I wasn’t as upset as I should have been. You would think after that long I would be devastated, but the opposite was true and I knew. Don’t get me wrong, I was hurt and there was a lesson to be learned, but I knew without a doubt it was time for me to be free. To be on my own, shed my chrysalis and emerge as the woman I knew was waiting to spread her wings and fly. I chose to walk away from our marriage. I chose to find me.
I moved to another city, not knowing a soul. I took a complete leap of faith and began a new life for myself and my children. I began to eat healthier and invest in myself. I met a young woman who encouraged me to go to the gym with her. I was terrified. I hated cardio. I hated weights. The fear of exercise was simply and illusion and I realized I had to honor the promise I made to myself. I committed and found I actually love cardio. I embraced yoga and the practice which allows me to look inside my soul and discover the answers to my questions deep within. Meditation became a daily ritual giving me insight and nurturing I had lived without. I committed to investing in my body by opening a doorway allowing myself to love my body, for the very first time in my life. I lost 35 pounds, accepted how it changed, adjusted to keep my sense of self and embraced the curves we as women should have. I refused to fit in a box with every other woman, only wanting to be me. What I gained is a confident, sexy and spiritually evolved woman I should have been years ago.
Then I began dating. I felt sexy with my short curvy body for the first time in my life. I was receiving attention from men like I never had before. I was so confused by this since I felt like men never looked at me when I was married. And then it hit me….I was exuding confidence like I never had. I wasn’t hiding behind a mask of makeup and uncomfortable clothing. I was embracing who I have become and allowing men to see me. Sex finally became fun, exhilarating and fulfilling. The fear of asking for what I wanted sexually vanished. I had finally discovered myself and accepted who I was with an unconditional love so pure that it radiated off of me in waves. I became naturally attractive and acknowledged who I am.
The power of self love is within us all, to stop and reflect deep inside ourselves and commit to the journey of discovery. Only you can determine when to leap.