Greetings, Sister Tribe!
Can you imagine saying this to someone:
“I don’t want you to see my side”?
Until tonight, I never thought I’d ever think such a thought.
Have you ever been in an argument and wished, “I just want him (or her) to see my side!” but your side is NOT being seen? This statement is a powerful desire (when believed) and if it’s not fulfilled it leaves an ache and triggers frustration and upset. I think that’s the opposite of what most of us want to feel in our relationships.
Right now, I’m feeling pretty blessed in my relationship with one of my teenagers because she asked me to help her do The Work of Byron Katie (found at www.TheWork.com ). I decided to share this experience with all my Sisters here because I know, we as women, have ALL had the thought:
“I want _______ to see my side.”
I know when we don’t question our stressful thoughts, we react! Stressfully! I also know we women ultimately want to be happy. My hope is that reading a little bit here about my daughter’s process (and putting yourself if your own experience) will bring you peace and healing around a time when you had the thought, “I want _______ to see my side,” but your side wasn’t being seen!
What I mean by healing in this situation is that if there is a “next time” that your side isn’t being seen, your perspective will have been altered so much that you won’t be triggered into an immediate stressful reaction. But if you are re-triggered, you will have a new perspective and you will know that if you want to be happy you can always do The Work to come to a new and even deeper self-awareness. Byron Katie said she went back to her mother to do The Work over and over again until it was complete, meaning she was no longer triggered. All that remained was love.
My daughter and I planned on doing just 20 minutes, but it easily rolled into more than 2 hours! Believe me or not, it wasn’t draining; it was uplifting! I also feel even more connected to my daughter and grateful that I better understand her inner world. My daughter’s insights were profound, they were real for her, she struggled and resisted some of it, but she eventually found the Truth that was already inside of her and that was healing. She felt better, good even (her words not mine). We also both learned things about ourselves that we didn’t know before.
In fact, one of the reasons “I don’t want you to see my side” (as she discovered doing The Work) is because she would not have learned some really deep and important core issues about herself and her relationships when exploring why she wanted to see her own side (more deeply and clearly). We took a look at her side of the argument, her “reasons” to support her side of things, but instead of a defensive argument, this time we looked at her side with a questioning mind… what’s behind that “reason”? For example, she found out that really, she wanted to understand why she has an uncomfortable, awkward relationship with someone she really cares about (which never really dawned on us like this before)! That relationship was one of her “reasons” that created this argument that we’re now doing The Work on.
Another “reason” for her argument, when she did The Work of questioning herself without judgement, opened my daughter up to herself, revealing that my daughter wants to see why she has resistance to something very specific that causes her a lot of anxiety. Amazing, isn’t it?! We’re halfway through the worksheet, perspectives are changing, and the Truth is revealing Itself to my daughter. Her wisdom astounds me.
Spending this time with her tonight has inspired me and reminded me that when we give ourselves time, our answers come to us. Sometimes the answers came quickly. Some steps were a little more difficult for her. Whenever she wrestled with a question or a Turn Around, I set a timer so we could quietly, with eyes closed, just sit and be with it… meditate.
I asked her to play the movie of her situation over and over in her head with each new question and Turn Around. I let her know that she may not get an answer today, and if this is where we stop, that’s ok. Some answers come immediately. Some answers take days. We allow ourselves the time each day to meditate, setting the timer on our phone, being open to whatever comes up. There is no “right” or “wrong” answer and there is no rush. There’s also no skipping a step… no matter how many days it takes! There’s no getting off the hook just cuz you say, “I don’t know” and want to be done with it! Haha! I am patient. I’ll set a timer and I’ll wait; for days and months if I have to. She trusted my commitment to supporting her as she had asked me to…and so she did not give up or quit, she did The Work. I am so proud of her!
When the timer chimed, I’d ask her what she came up with, and the things she discovered inside herself were moving and meaningful for her (and me!) while also being real, quality, tangible Truths in that situation.
This type of work takes honesty; bold self-honesty.
“Liars don’t heal.” –Caroline Myss
Caroline Myss was talking about integrity, when your insides match your outsides, when you tell the truth. She was also talking about the fact that when we lie to ourselves (or someone else) our body feels it. The Work helps us find our Truths (and lies) that we didn’t even know were there!
Have you ever said something to someone that you thought was true, like, “I can’t do ____ because ____.” But then immediately after you heard yourself say it out loud, your brain and body respond, “Lie!” and you see the flash in your mind’s eye of how and why what you just said was simply NOT true? Oh, is that just me? I don’t think so.
“I don’t want you to see my side” because if you did, you would feel my pain and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone; I don’t want that for you. That’s Truth. That’s compassion. My daughter found that Truth inside of herself tonight. She would not have been able to find her compassion if she hadn’t been willing to be honest with herself.
“If you had seen my side, I would not have had the opportunity to stand up for myself, express my true feelings, and witness my backbone.”
“If you had seen my side, I would not have had this awesome conversation with my mom about it later.” –okay, okay, I made that last one up… but it’s true anyway!
My daughter had huge awakenings today about how she doesn’t understand herself, how she does not respect herself, and how she wants to see her side of things more deeply. She found genuine compassion for herself and the person she was arguing with and feeling hurt by. She was laughing at herself in a loving, ah-ha way. She not only felt better, but she felt good. We both are looking forward to finishing her worksheet this week… unless of course it takes longer. But as long as she remains as open as a flower in bloom, I don’t imagine it will take longer than a few hours.
Can you imagine, just a few hours of your long life, and now you have peace and happiness? Now you have compassion and feel good?
If this resonates with you, TheWork.com has a *free hotline to help you process The Work after filling out your worksheet. However, if you feel drawn to work with me, you can set your appointment HERE.
I don’t ever want you to see my side because that means my mind will be set free.
Raise your glasses Sisters, to Joy and Freedom!