Shedding My Skin
August 31 – September 3, 2016 (One year before I attend my first community Grief Ritual)…
I did a shamanic drumming journey with Kelly Eckert. I had an intention to find my lifelong Power Animal.
Toward the end of shamanic drumming journey, a presence came into my room, I felt this presence to my right and I even heard footsteps. I thought maybe it was my daughter coming to hover while I meditated, it happens 😉 At first I was annoyed thinking that was the case, but no… I heard and felt it move closer and then I knew it was not one of my children at all. Not sure if it was Grandpa Frank, or an angel or guide, ancestor, etc… but I felt the presence come closer until we touched and connected; I felt warm and tingling on that right side and then I felt the pure love fill me. This feeling crossed my whole body like a gentle washing wave of unconditional love and I felt my tears slowly slide down my cheeks.
I am so grateful these kinds of things happen to me spontaneously with such grace. I know that no matter what kind of mood I’m in, it doesn’t matter to the Other Side. They always love me. I realized that I see myself as a hot mess, and I know I’m loved unconditionally. Such peace this brings; releasing the pressure of perfection from my heart and conditioned mind.
After this connection with the drumming and Spirit, I went to sleep and I dreamt of Rattlesnake shedding it’s skin.
Then later that day I left to go to work and a beautiful butterfly, absolutely gorgeous sea-foam green and light pink-ish-organge-ish butterfly flew right up to my face! Then dropped at my feet. It stopped me in my path (and my need to get on the commute to work). It looked injured as if it were dying. I tried to pick it up but it fluttered away a couple parking spaces and flew oddly about erratically, with the sunlight shining through it’s incredible, most beautiful wings… and then butterfly plopped again on a concrete parking spot. It was lying on its side. I thought it was dead. I got a small twig to gently lift it from its side. I wanted to bring it to the grass, or a plant, or some flowers. I figured if it was going to die (how anything lives in Phoenix is beyond me) then I wanted it to die among nature rather than hard hot concrete. I found some flowers, apologized for having to leave it in the heat, and when I picked it up off my hand to place on the flowers, I felt the butterfly’s grip on my palm. Incredible. I didn’t like that I couldn’t save it from death, but I accepted it and said a little prayer.
A dying butterfly in my face had a profound effect on me.
Everyone wants to transform into the beautiful butterfly
From their lowly, untransformed selves
Into the picture-perfect dream of everything:
We couldn’t possibly love the self
That’s a hot mess
A dying butterfly flew to me
To greet my furrowed face
She stopped me still on my path
To a daily commute
I accept her beautiful death
As part of nature
I could not save
Can I accept my own Nature,
And stop rejecting Life with my dreams of
This need to transform… into what?
A human life only lived on the surface of feeling?
Or alone in my hidden grief?
This need to avoid pain and my perception of imperfection
Can I feel it?
Can I feel it all without killing anyone?
This numbness and bridled rage
Make an ugly dance
Driving me with Depression
To my own early grave.
I feel so utterly powerless!
In this fucked-up
Molested world of
Rape and murder
Poverty and zombies
It’s all so grotesque as my own heart
With rage as fierce as the Devil
I would rip off His head with my own hands and teeth of Hellfire
And piss on the stump of that Demon King
That rips children’s vaginas
As blood streams
And screams in horror
I am as bloodthirsty for the Devil
As He was for me.
I seek to avenge all the children
Boy and girl
Yet in my impotent state
All I seek is the grave.
Die little butterfly
I give up
On being you.
If I transform in this life
It won’t be into a happy little angel
That only speaks of Love and Light
Not a pretty little butterfly
That sets one to awe on sight
But I’ll be a woman
Powerful and grown
Able to feel
Able to hold it all
The good and the grace
With the hatred and rage
I’ll be a woman
With eyes that blaze
Like a thousand suns
Burning through everyone’s
I’ll be a woman
Real in this flesh
I accept the Soul-Level Pre-Appointed
I know it.
God damn it
But I don’t have to like it
I am not a fucking butterfly
Nor do I
Aspire to be one.
I’ll be a fat hungry little caterpillar all my life if that’s what it takes
To wake up
To the fact that
I’m actually a woman
Loved by All in the Spirit Realm
No matter how I feel
I DO feel
I’ve been afraid of my feelings
Or hurting feelings
With my truth
I’m not going to pretend anymore to be somebody I’m not.
I AM PASSIONATE!
Do not shut me up!
I am wise
And I am wicked
I am pure
And the most UN-holy
I am a woman who has endured
Some of the most unspeakable tortures
As a child
I am not alone in this.
Yet we were all alone because we never spoke of it
I speak now even when I’m told to
All my life.
People can scarcely say the word
Even sodomy somehow comes easier off the tongue
Because if they allow themselves a moment
Just a moment
to F E E L
They will feel the instant devastation in
Their whole being
The burning of their bodies
The crackling cracking of their precious
Unlike the rest of us
Who somehow survive
if not soul
Yet if we struggle in our
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Or anything other than
We are yet again
Karma or clothing caused the rapes
And our weakness of character and mindset
To release the past
And get over it!
Move on, for goodness sake!
Let’s let the Devil have His way with you
For six plus years of your childhood
And then you tell me how happy you are
And how easy life is
Fuck you and your gratitude bullshit!
A child just got raped in the time it took me to say that!
That kind of grace takes time!
It doesn’t happen over-night,
My fair-weathered friend,
Nor because you say so
We must speak
We must grieve
We must release the ancient cry
The primal chilling howl
Our feral scream!
Flows through us like
Corrie Ten Boom.
Forgiveness is a Gift.
As is my anger
And outrage at the deplorable
Repulsive acts of cowards who rape.
I’ll be lovely as a butterfly after I’m dead.
I’m a woman out of her head
With healing in her hands
And mighty words
That push buttons left and right.
You don’t like it?
Run away, little girl!
Run away, fake man!
I’m looking for warriors that want to end the cycle of all
And set humanity straight
Protect life and relations
As Liedloff bore witness
Wise Yaquanna know
And Real Happiness
In life and love.
This dying butterfly
And rattlesnake shedding it’s skin
Releases me from magical thinking
Wakes me from my dream of transforming
Into happy perfection of bliss
As Marion Woodman so accurately states
Perfection rejects Life.
I’m tired of rejecting life.
Be every storm
It’s time to get real.
It’s time to get naked after rape.
Have you been affected by rape? Please connect with Theresa.
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